An Allergic Reaction to Life

I wish new beginnings were easier, especially since I'm apparently not responding well to change at the moment. Mentally and emotionally, I'm in a pretty peaceful and happy place. Physically, not so much, as one can tell from the red itchy splotches I've developed over the last few days in very noticeable places.

I'm having an allergic reaction to something, but not even my doctor knows exactly what I'm reacting too. "It could be a preservative in a food, or an insect bite, or it could just be nerves from exams," she said. "Well, I am graduating in a week and pretty much have no idea what I'm doing with my life," I responded.

"That's probably it, then."
"So basically you're saying I'm allergic to my life?"
Pregnant pause. "Yeah, pretty much."

Wonderful.

I guess if I hadn't been downing ridiculous amounts of vitamin C every day for the last six months, my body would've responded to my stress with a sinus infection or a chest cold. However, since I've programmed my insides to function at peak performance, my immune system decided to think outside the box on this one. The results are very uncomfortable. I almost wish I had a sinus infection instead.

Almost.

On one hand, it's really very fascinating how the human body responds to situations, how our emotions and thoughts can have noticeable physical effects. We think of emotions and thoughts as abstract, with no visible tangible substance.

And yet, I'm having an allergic reaction to life.

On the other hand, the human body is stupid and should just roll with the punches when it comes to stress.

It was so strange; when the doctor mentioned stress, I hadn't even considered it, the fact that my life is so insane right now. I guess I've just become accustomed to life at a ridiculously high pace. I'm graduating from college with a degree in Musical Theatre which at the moment, I have little desire to pursue. I'm (as far as I know) still in the running for the national tour of Annie that kicks off in the fall. I'm moving to a new apartment next week. I think I want to be an English teacher. I kind of want to move back to Portland. I don't really feel like moving back to New York, even though I've been totally gung-ho about it since last summer.

I had a great time in New York on my internship. I loved living in the city. I have lots of friends there. I don't see myself living there for a long time, though. I don't want to trudge through eight years of rejection and loathsome temp just to get my big break when I'm thirty. That's eight years I could be doing other things, like grad school and teaching. And starting a family (after I'm at least 25).

In response, my psyche sneezes, covering my body in hives.

But I still know everything happens for a reason. It's not always comfortable, but the future reveals itself eventually. So I know this will pass.

Especially after I start the steroids the doctor prescribed.



Don't worry about what the world wants from you, worry about what makes you come more alive. Because what the world really needs are people who are more alive. Your real job is to increase the color and zest of your life.
- Lawrence LeShan