When they find out I'm from Oregon, 9 times out of 10 they say "Well why the hell are you here?"
Ohio is very different from Oregon. I can't drive over the hill and see the mountains in the morning. There aren't as many pine trees. I can't wake up and spontaneously decide to take a day trip to the beach. I can't hike along my choice of at least 10 magnificent waterfalls.
But Oregon doesn't have fireflies. Cardinals. Snow at my house in the winter. Warm spring and warmer summer (in Oregon it usually rains until the 4th of July). Small-town America atmosphere. Steak and Shake.
There are many things I love about Ohio, things I love just as much as Oregon.
The summer I turned 17 I knew I wanted to go away for college. Not just to a different town, but away-away. I needed something completely different. It's not that I ever disliked the Pacific Northwest; I love it. But often when a person grows up around the same environment, the same things for so long, eventually she starts to itch.
For a long while, I itched for New York.
This morning, it caught up with me, in a good way.
I worked 6:30 AM to 1:00 PM at the Polaris Drive-Thru Starbucks. I went outside to open the umbrellas next to the cast-iron tables and chairs in the outdoor cafe. It was around 7:15 or so. There were hardly any cars. The sky was melting from pink, orange and violet to crystal blue and white. Despite the ever-expanding urban sprawl known as Polaris Parkway, I realized how open and serene everything was. There was so much freedom in the subtly rolling green hills, the horizon dappled with kelly green treetops.
I thought I wanted the pace of my life to be much quicker than it is now. Racing through life that quickly helped me ignore a lot of quiet demons. In the peace and the freedom came the reality of confronting them. They demand honest answers about what I truly want in life, what's really important to me.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to be something I'm not. I'm not competitive by nature. I'm not full of false schmooze. I'm not driven by the desire to market myself. I'm not entranced by the romanticism of a starving artist's life.
I deposited a hefty wad of cash on Monday into my savings account. It felt so good. Money that I made. On my own. Me. My job. My job that I love. And in another two weeks, I'll have another paycheck to deposit.
Reading back through my internship journals is unreal. Everything has changed so much.
I spent two months in New York. I became very satisfied with who I am becoming, but never once walking through Manhattan did I see who I really want to be.
But I found a piece of her this morning on the sidewalk in front of a billion-dollar chain coffee shop in central Ohio. She was smiling as she caught the tail of the sunrise.
I didn't expect to hit another wall before graduation. At the beginning of the year, it was all smooth sailing. Then everything changed. I no longer have the desire to audition, to bite the bullet, to live up to other people's expectations, to separate my selfishness from my inner compassionate fire, to always feel nervous and out of balance. I'm tired of getting upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of not being able to control when I get upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of feeling cast aside for the way see the world and how I chose to live my life. I'm tired of ignoring that.
I love to act. I love to sing. I love what theatre does to people.
But I'm tired of the bullshit. I'll take my sunrise and fly with no regrets.
I feel like if I went home, I'd be giving up. If I go to New York, I will be miserable.
So, here I am. And that's okay.
"January 4th, 2007 11:38 pm
I’ve wanted to be an actor for so long. But what does that really mean? How do I actually define that for myself? I’ve realized that I have to fight to not burn myself out. I have to have a life outside of theatre. Whether that means getting a job that I like that also pays the bills that doesn’t have anything to do with it, or whatever. But I can’t limit myself when there’s so much in front of me!...I will not let rejection or somebody’s opinion take away my freedom to believe in my own strength...I'm a Renaissance woman. I'm going to do everything."
Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.
- Robert Frost
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