The Beginning of a Good Week

It's gonna be a good week.  I can tell.  Of course, I guess it always helps my attitude when I have Monday off.

Nathan and I watched Sunshine on Saturday night.  It's directed by Danny Boyle, who did 28 Days Later.  It didn't get very good reviews, and its  US box office numbers weren't that great, but we thought it was really good.  It was pretty awesome to watch on Nathan's big screen, too.  

So it's the Season of Lent now, the 40 days before Easter.  I'm kind of struggling with my Lenten journey this year, because I don't really have anything I feel I can give up (at least nothing I haven't given up before).  I thought about giving something, but financially I'm really tight right now.  Plus, I really feel like God is pointing me back to Oregon, so I'm really trying to save up for the transition.

Lent is also a difficult time to go church-hopping.  So far we've found a lot of sermons and messages about stewardship and giving, and that always makes me feel a little weird.  Nathan and I are hesitant to join a church right now, because we know we're moving in the next few months.  We have one that we really like, and we'll probably start attending regularly; but I just can't bring myself to transfer membership from my church at home in Oregon.  I think that's where God has His work for me.  In the mean time, I'm just trying to leave my heart open to what He has to say.

The sun is out today, which is also nice.  Winter is always easier to tolerate when the sun is shining.  50 mph wind gusts and single-digit wind chill make it a lot tougher.  I was really close to taking out a hit on Punxsutawney Phil last weekend.

Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours.

- Swedish proverb

Boo Ohio.

It was 50 degrees yesterday.

Today it's 23.  And very windy.

Boo.  Hiss.

When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.

- Alice Hoffman

Buff On Movies

Well, no Best Supporting Actor SAG award for Hal Holbrook.  It was awfully hard to compete with Javier Bardem, though.  He gave a very solid, chilling performance.  And the Cohen brothers are brilliant.

Nathan and I saw There Will Be Blood last night.  What a well-made movie!  Daniel Day-Lewis is such a consistently awesome actor.  After we see Michael Clayton, we'll have seen all five nominees for Best Picture.  This is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've just always been too busy.  We've seen a lot of really great movies, lately.  

I just also have to say that I loved both National Treasure movies.  Action flicks are my guilty pleasure.

I'm rather saddened by the fallout surrounding Heath Ledger's death.  From numerous away messages, status updates, etc:  "Heath Ledger died.  So sad, he was so hot."  

It's always frustrated me in my acting pursuit when I get asked the question "So, are you famous yet?  When are we going to see you in movies/on Broadway/at the Oscars?"  They mean well, but I have a real problem with the concept of celebrity.  I never wanted that.  Contrary to popular belief, "celebrity" is not synonymous with "successful".  I think giving humans celebrity status dehumanizes them, in a way.  They become icons; objects, in essence.  

I don't perform because I want to be famous.  I perform because I'm an artist with the ability to tell and share stories that can have an impact on people's lives, and that's what I love.  I've put performing on hold for a while because I lost sight of that.

So it really upsets me that there are people who are not remembering Heath Ledger as an artist, a son, a brother and a father; it upsets me that there are people who are first and foremost remembering him as an icon, a celebrity or a piece of eye-candy.

Mmmkay.  Getting off my soapbox now.

On a lighter note, it is a beautiful, little-bit-warmer morning outside.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

- Fred Allen

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
And remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
And listen to others,
Even the dull and the ignorant;
They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
They are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain and bitter;
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
Many persons strive for high ideals;
And everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
It is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
Be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be,
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Life Updates

I have no idea who reads this, but I feel the need to vent the recent happenings of my life into cyberspace for some reason.


Anyway, short story long, I've missed my families (church, friends, YPTP, mom and dad), my mountains and my beaches. Columbus has been a great safety net for me. I can't imagine my life without Otterbein or Ohio. I can honestly say that if I had ended up moving to New York at the end of college like I had originally planned, I would be unhappy today. And it would be even tougher to come to that realization now than it was last year.

I have a keen sense of blissful satisfaction that hasn't existed in my life before.

Nathan and I had the good fortune of listening to Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee preach a sermon at church on Sunday. He not only spoke of his spiritual journey, but also of his passion and hope for what we call "my generation". It was so refreshing and inspirational to listen to someone speak with such vigor about young people my age. I feel that the slice of "my generation" I belong to has this idea imposed upon them that life ends after college; that being an adult is boring. There's no more frat parties, less-frequent club-hopping, no more "Pimps and Hoes" theme parties, etc. I personally feel that this is the most exciting time in my life. I'm supporting myself, making plans for the future and concretely dreaming of the life that I want. It makes me really sad when I find people saying "I wish I were still in college", or worse yet, "I wish I were still in high school." It seems like a lot of people get caught up in this mentality, and I think it ultimately leads to unhappiness later in life.

So I guess Sunday was a bit of a pat on the back from God, reminding me that I'm in a good place right now; with the word "good" being a serious understatement. :)

Still lovin' the Starb, although it's been kind of tough lately with the weather and continued post-holiday rush. I'm really fortunate, though, to work with such awesome people.

So, that's my life right now, pretty much.

Nathan and I have so far seen Juno and Atonement. We might go see There Will Be Blood this weekend. Dann from work tells me it's amazing, but I guess that's kind of a given because obviously it was a good enough script for Daniel Day-Lewis to come out of his retirement/hermitage. I'm really excited Hal Holbrook was nominated for his role in Into The Wild. Definitely the most underrated film of the year, in my opinion.



For sure, you have to be lost to find a place that can't be found; else wise, everyone would know where it was.
- Hector Barbossa



*Post Script: I'd just like to reiterate the amazingness of my boyfriend, Nathan. :)

Golden Hullabaloo

I've read all three of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials Trilogy and I still believe in God.

They were good books with a creative unique story environment. The ending of the third book sucked, though; a very cliche cop-out.

This link is to a CNN.com article about the upcoming movie adaptation of "The Golden Compass". There's a quote in this article in which Phillip Pullman has reportedly said "I'm trying to undermine the basis of Christian belief."

Well If I had a nickel for every time my Christian belief has been undermined, I could buy myself a pickup truck. And I still believe in God. I still read the bible. I still go to church.

I personally don't think a movie can make you believe or not believe in God. They make you think, sure. But I don't think anyone has ever dropped to their knees begging God for forgiveness in the middle of an AMC theater.

And God forbid (no pun intened) that people experience something that questions their faith. That's the point: it's faith.

I will go see the movie. And if I had children, I would take them to see it too.



I'm getting off my soapbox now and going to take a shower.




"Faith consists of a healthy form of doubt." - Monty Bradley, in my sophomore Human Nature in the Christian Tradition class.

More Confessions of a Displaced College-Educated Coffee-Making Renaissance Woman

When they find out I'm from Oregon, 9 times out of 10 they say "Well why the hell are you here?"

Ohio is very different from Oregon. I can't drive over the hill and see the mountains in the morning. There aren't as many pine trees. I can't wake up and spontaneously decide to take a day trip to the beach. I can't hike along my choice of at least 10 magnificent waterfalls.

But Oregon doesn't have fireflies. Cardinals. Snow at my house in the winter. Warm spring and warmer summer (in Oregon it usually rains until the 4th of July). Small-town America atmosphere. Steak and Shake.

There are many things I love about Ohio, things I love just as much as Oregon.

The summer I turned 17 I knew I wanted to go away for college. Not just to a different town, but away-away. I needed something completely different. It's not that I ever disliked the Pacific Northwest; I love it. But often when a person grows up around the same environment, the same things for so long, eventually she starts to itch.

For a long while, I itched for New York.

This morning, it caught up with me, in a good way.

I worked 6:30 AM to 1:00 PM at the Polaris Drive-Thru Starbucks. I went outside to open the umbrellas next to the cast-iron tables and chairs in the outdoor cafe. It was around 7:15 or so. There were hardly any cars. The sky was melting from pink, orange and violet to crystal blue and white. Despite the ever-expanding urban sprawl known as Polaris Parkway, I realized how open and serene everything was. There was so much freedom in the subtly rolling green hills, the horizon dappled with kelly green treetops.

I thought I wanted the pace of my life to be much quicker than it is now. Racing through life that quickly helped me ignore a lot of quiet demons. In the peace and the freedom came the reality of confronting them. They demand honest answers about what I truly want in life, what's really important to me.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to be something I'm not. I'm not competitive by nature. I'm not full of false schmooze. I'm not driven by the desire to market myself. I'm not entranced by the romanticism of a starving artist's life.

I deposited a hefty wad of cash on Monday into my savings account. It felt so good. Money that I made. On my own. Me. My job. My job that I love. And in another two weeks, I'll have another paycheck to deposit.

Reading back through my internship journals is unreal. Everything has changed so much.

I spent two months in New York. I became very satisfied with who I am becoming, but never once walking through Manhattan did I see who I really want to be.

But I found a piece of her this morning on the sidewalk in front of a billion-dollar chain coffee shop in central Ohio. She was smiling as she caught the tail of the sunrise.

I didn't expect to hit another wall before graduation. At the beginning of the year, it was all smooth sailing. Then everything changed. I no longer have the desire to audition, to bite the bullet, to live up to other people's expectations, to separate my selfishness from my inner compassionate fire, to always feel nervous and out of balance. I'm tired of getting upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of not being able to control when I get upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of feeling cast aside for the way see the world and how I chose to live my life. I'm tired of ignoring that.

I love to act. I love to sing. I love what theatre does to people.

But I'm tired of the bullshit. I'll take my sunrise and fly with no regrets.

I feel like if I went home, I'd be giving up. If I go to New York, I will be miserable.

So, here I am. And that's okay.


"January 4th, 2007 11:38 pm

I’ve wanted to be an actor for so long. But what does that really mean? How do I actually define that for myself? I’ve realized that I have to fight to not burn myself out. I have to have a life outside of theatre. Whether that means getting a job that I like that also pays the bills that doesn’t have anything to do with it, or whatever. But I can’t limit myself when there’s so much in front of me!...I will not let rejection or somebody’s opinion take away my freedom to believe in my own strength...I'm a Renaissance woman. I'm going to do everything."




Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.
- Robert Frost