Golden Hullabaloo

I've read all three of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials Trilogy and I still believe in God.

They were good books with a creative unique story environment. The ending of the third book sucked, though; a very cliche cop-out.

This link is to a CNN.com article about the upcoming movie adaptation of "The Golden Compass". There's a quote in this article in which Phillip Pullman has reportedly said "I'm trying to undermine the basis of Christian belief."

Well If I had a nickel for every time my Christian belief has been undermined, I could buy myself a pickup truck. And I still believe in God. I still read the bible. I still go to church.

I personally don't think a movie can make you believe or not believe in God. They make you think, sure. But I don't think anyone has ever dropped to their knees begging God for forgiveness in the middle of an AMC theater.

And God forbid (no pun intened) that people experience something that questions their faith. That's the point: it's faith.

I will go see the movie. And if I had children, I would take them to see it too.



I'm getting off my soapbox now and going to take a shower.




"Faith consists of a healthy form of doubt." - Monty Bradley, in my sophomore Human Nature in the Christian Tradition class.

More Confessions of a Displaced College-Educated Coffee-Making Renaissance Woman

When they find out I'm from Oregon, 9 times out of 10 they say "Well why the hell are you here?"

Ohio is very different from Oregon. I can't drive over the hill and see the mountains in the morning. There aren't as many pine trees. I can't wake up and spontaneously decide to take a day trip to the beach. I can't hike along my choice of at least 10 magnificent waterfalls.

But Oregon doesn't have fireflies. Cardinals. Snow at my house in the winter. Warm spring and warmer summer (in Oregon it usually rains until the 4th of July). Small-town America atmosphere. Steak and Shake.

There are many things I love about Ohio, things I love just as much as Oregon.

The summer I turned 17 I knew I wanted to go away for college. Not just to a different town, but away-away. I needed something completely different. It's not that I ever disliked the Pacific Northwest; I love it. But often when a person grows up around the same environment, the same things for so long, eventually she starts to itch.

For a long while, I itched for New York.

This morning, it caught up with me, in a good way.

I worked 6:30 AM to 1:00 PM at the Polaris Drive-Thru Starbucks. I went outside to open the umbrellas next to the cast-iron tables and chairs in the outdoor cafe. It was around 7:15 or so. There were hardly any cars. The sky was melting from pink, orange and violet to crystal blue and white. Despite the ever-expanding urban sprawl known as Polaris Parkway, I realized how open and serene everything was. There was so much freedom in the subtly rolling green hills, the horizon dappled with kelly green treetops.

I thought I wanted the pace of my life to be much quicker than it is now. Racing through life that quickly helped me ignore a lot of quiet demons. In the peace and the freedom came the reality of confronting them. They demand honest answers about what I truly want in life, what's really important to me.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to be something I'm not. I'm not competitive by nature. I'm not full of false schmooze. I'm not driven by the desire to market myself. I'm not entranced by the romanticism of a starving artist's life.

I deposited a hefty wad of cash on Monday into my savings account. It felt so good. Money that I made. On my own. Me. My job. My job that I love. And in another two weeks, I'll have another paycheck to deposit.

Reading back through my internship journals is unreal. Everything has changed so much.

I spent two months in New York. I became very satisfied with who I am becoming, but never once walking through Manhattan did I see who I really want to be.

But I found a piece of her this morning on the sidewalk in front of a billion-dollar chain coffee shop in central Ohio. She was smiling as she caught the tail of the sunrise.

I didn't expect to hit another wall before graduation. At the beginning of the year, it was all smooth sailing. Then everything changed. I no longer have the desire to audition, to bite the bullet, to live up to other people's expectations, to separate my selfishness from my inner compassionate fire, to always feel nervous and out of balance. I'm tired of getting upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of not being able to control when I get upset over things I can't control. I'm tired of feeling cast aside for the way see the world and how I chose to live my life. I'm tired of ignoring that.

I love to act. I love to sing. I love what theatre does to people.

But I'm tired of the bullshit. I'll take my sunrise and fly with no regrets.

I feel like if I went home, I'd be giving up. If I go to New York, I will be miserable.

So, here I am. And that's okay.


"January 4th, 2007 11:38 pm

I’ve wanted to be an actor for so long. But what does that really mean? How do I actually define that for myself? I’ve realized that I have to fight to not burn myself out. I have to have a life outside of theatre. Whether that means getting a job that I like that also pays the bills that doesn’t have anything to do with it, or whatever. But I can’t limit myself when there’s so much in front of me!...I will not let rejection or somebody’s opinion take away my freedom to believe in my own strength...I'm a Renaissance woman. I'm going to do everything."




Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.
- Robert Frost

So right now, Starbucks has this Paul McCartney promotion going on...

About a week or so ago, I'm working at good ol' Starbucks and a woman with her two middle-school age daughters walks up to the counter to order some Frappucinos. She tells one of the girls to pick out a gift card to give to their dad for Father's Day. The girl picks up one of our flowery summer cards. Mom says "Oh, I don't think Daddy would like that one..." So the girl picks up a Limited Edition Paul McCartney Starbucks Gift Card. A puzzled expression comes over her face.

"Who's this?"
"Oh, that's Paul McCartney, sweetie. He was one of The Beatles."
"The Beatles? Who are they?"



I just about had heart failure.





Life is pretty sweet right now.





Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist but you have ceased to live.
- Mark Twain

Shopping Bliss

Today included an impromptu road trip to Lancaster with Laura to visit and go shopping with Mary.

We arrived just in time for Happy Hour at Applebee's.

After cocktails and buffalo wings, we ventured over to River Valley Mall to explore Steve and Barrys, where we located the best thing to ever happen to clothing in the history of the universe.

Bitten. A clothing line developed by Sarah Jessica Parker. Its catch phrase is "Fashion Is Not A Luxury: It's A Right".

Nothing is over $20.

I bought the best pair of jeans I've found in a long time for $14.98. I could've spent so much money there! The clothes are great, lots of basics that you can put together into totally adorable outfits. At least in my opinion.

I have so much respect for what she's doing. A very high-profile A-List star designing an affordable clothing line. Maybe it doesn't seem this way, but I think it's a great move towards bridging the socio-economic gap.

Check out the Oprah Show featuring SJP on her fantastic clothing.

$15 jeans. I just can't get over it!





Yesh.
- Sir Sean Connery

"Happy Winds-day, Piglet!"

Today was a good day. Pleasantly simple and uncomplicated.



I am not afraid of storms
For I am learning to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

The Real World?

Yesterday I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Musical Theatre with Concentration in Dance.

Should it feel like it went fast? Because it doesn’t.

If you’d asked me six months ago, I’d have told you my plans were to move to New York the day after graduation. Then everything changed.

Over the course of the last ten or so weeks, I started realizing that I didn’t want what I thought I wanted. The problem with being an artist is that everything seems to inadvertently complicate itself. I realized these last couple of months that my life has been very complicated the last four years.

And I’m exhausted.

So I’m not moving to New York. I’m not pursuing a career in acting. At least not right now. It may happen eventually, but right now I feel my dreams are changing.

And what’s all this everyone keeps saying about “the real world”? Were we not living in it before?

Last time I checked, I’ve living in an apartment or house on my own paying bills and managing my living space going on three years now. I don’t totally support myself; I have help from my parents, but I know plenty of people well into their thirties who still get help from their family. That’s how family works. You help each other.

For me, there’s no shame in asking my family for support because I work very hard to take care of myself and my life. I can only do so much though.

Maybe I’m hopelessly optimistic, but frankly, I think the real world is very overrated. I’m not frightened, because I know I have help. I know what I want from life. How and when I get there is yet to be determined.

Wherever I end up, I know this: I will never “settle”. Even when I’m married and raising children in my comfort of my very own home, I will continue to stretch my wings and fly. I will remain vibrant in the face of hardship. I will learn, I will challenge myself and I will allow my life to keep changing in accordance with God’s will.

Nothing is ever set in stone; we are never really still. Our place in life changes by day, by minute, by moment.

So why should we settle?

How To Move A Mountain

I'm not sure many people can pinpoint the exact moment when they first discovered their purpose in life. Mostly because many of us are still searching. I am still searching, but I know the moment I took the first step.

I was fifteen. I was singing. A woman told me, "When you sang, you made me feel..."

I don't remember what else she said. All I knew was that I possessed the ability to make others experience something profound.

That's why I chose to pursue theatre in undergrad. The reactions people had; laughter, tears. That was it, that was everything. With that, I could move mountains.

So why don't I want to do that anymore?

That's wrong; I do want that. I want to move mountains, but they are different now. Before, I moved them with performance, with song, with words.

Now, I think I need a little more action. And I don't want to wait so long for it. My life doesn't need to be the roller coaster I thought it needed to be.


Time has passed through me and become a song.
- Holly Near

Mostly Everything Happens for a Pretty Good Reason

My father once made up a phrase to describe strange things or happenings: "weirdo-beirdo".

This week has, indeed, been weirdo-beirdo.

Somehow I thought the last days of my undergraduate career would be more...memorable. But between the heinous allergic reaction and the ridiculous amount of unnecessary stress, this week was definitely forgettable.

I guess I pictured tearful goodbyes, wise words from mentors and many gatherings with close friends, remembering our time at Otterbein. Instead, when I wasn't in class or working at Starbucks, I was sprawled half-naked on my futon in a benadryl-induced vegetative state, cursing the college for never installing air-conditioning in my sorority house.

What did I really have in mind? I think some part of me really honestly believed that I would end up with an A-list agent and have to leave school early to embark on some unbelieveably well-paying acting gig; that my four years of blood, sweat, tears and emotional melt-downs would've resulted in a fairy-tale ending. I would move to New York right after graduation and start this glorified starving-artist life that would result in me becoming a Broadway superstar.

But I think anyone who has ever performed thinks that at one point in their life.

Right now, today, at this time, this instant: I don't want to move to New York. It's hard. The weather sucks. There aren't any mountains or trees. And it's expensive.

Instead, I think I want to be an english teacher. I want to move back to Portland. I want an apartment far enough away from my parents but not so far that I can't conveniently go there for dinner a couple of times a week. I want to drive down Brockman really early in the morning and see the silhouette of Mount Hood. I want to get married. I want to never have to feel lonely as long as he's there. I want to have kids. I want to drive them to soccer practice every day. I want their crazy little friends to come over after school and eat freshly baked cookies. I want a backyard. And a barbecue. I want to host a block party on the 4th of July. I want a Doberman I can go jogging with ridiculously early in the morning. I want to teach kids Shakespeare. I want them to read plays. I want them to be excited to go to their high-school english class every day.

For so long, the only option I gave myself was to move to New York and be an actor. If I didn't do that, in my mind, I was a failure.

That's so silly. There are so many other fulfilling things I can do with my life.

Maybe this weirdo-beirdo week, more so this whole weirdo-beirdo year, was a message. I have this philosophy - no, belief - that mostly everything happens for a pretty good reason.

Whatever it means, obviously I'm supposed to be exploring other options. Otherwise I wouldn't be exploring them, would I?

I think my cat just ate a jelly bean...




The place where you are right now, God circled on the map for you.
- don't remember where I heard this one...

An Allergic Reaction to Life

I wish new beginnings were easier, especially since I'm apparently not responding well to change at the moment. Mentally and emotionally, I'm in a pretty peaceful and happy place. Physically, not so much, as one can tell from the red itchy splotches I've developed over the last few days in very noticeable places.

I'm having an allergic reaction to something, but not even my doctor knows exactly what I'm reacting too. "It could be a preservative in a food, or an insect bite, or it could just be nerves from exams," she said. "Well, I am graduating in a week and pretty much have no idea what I'm doing with my life," I responded.

"That's probably it, then."
"So basically you're saying I'm allergic to my life?"
Pregnant pause. "Yeah, pretty much."

Wonderful.

I guess if I hadn't been downing ridiculous amounts of vitamin C every day for the last six months, my body would've responded to my stress with a sinus infection or a chest cold. However, since I've programmed my insides to function at peak performance, my immune system decided to think outside the box on this one. The results are very uncomfortable. I almost wish I had a sinus infection instead.

Almost.

On one hand, it's really very fascinating how the human body responds to situations, how our emotions and thoughts can have noticeable physical effects. We think of emotions and thoughts as abstract, with no visible tangible substance.

And yet, I'm having an allergic reaction to life.

On the other hand, the human body is stupid and should just roll with the punches when it comes to stress.

It was so strange; when the doctor mentioned stress, I hadn't even considered it, the fact that my life is so insane right now. I guess I've just become accustomed to life at a ridiculously high pace. I'm graduating from college with a degree in Musical Theatre which at the moment, I have little desire to pursue. I'm (as far as I know) still in the running for the national tour of Annie that kicks off in the fall. I'm moving to a new apartment next week. I think I want to be an English teacher. I kind of want to move back to Portland. I don't really feel like moving back to New York, even though I've been totally gung-ho about it since last summer.

I had a great time in New York on my internship. I loved living in the city. I have lots of friends there. I don't see myself living there for a long time, though. I don't want to trudge through eight years of rejection and loathsome temp just to get my big break when I'm thirty. That's eight years I could be doing other things, like grad school and teaching. And starting a family (after I'm at least 25).

In response, my psyche sneezes, covering my body in hives.

But I still know everything happens for a reason. It's not always comfortable, but the future reveals itself eventually. So I know this will pass.

Especially after I start the steroids the doctor prescribed.



Don't worry about what the world wants from you, worry about what makes you come more alive. Because what the world really needs are people who are more alive. Your real job is to increase the color and zest of your life.
- Lawrence LeShan